Jud?
What?
Yer'd better get up.
The alarm's gone off, yer know.
Do you think I don't know?
Jud? - What?
You'll be late. - Shut it.
Clock's not fast, yer know. - I said, shut it.
Give over. That hurts. - Well, shut it, then.
I'll tell me mam on you.
Shut yer stinkin' mouth.
Oh, Christ.
Set clock on for me, Jud. For seven. - Set it yerself.
Go on, you're up.
Hands off cocks; on socks.
You rotten sod. Just because you've to get up.
Another few weeks, you'll be up with me. - I'll not.
Won't yer? - No, cos I'm not gonna work down the pit.
Where are yer gonna work? - I don't know, but not down the pit.
No. And have I to tell yer why?
For one thing, you've to be able to read and write before they set yer on.
And they wouldn't have a weedy little twat like thee.
Switch t'light out, then. - Switch it out yerself.
Me billicking bike.
I thought you weren't coming. - Why? I'm not late, am I?
Very near.
I nearly was, though. - What do yer mean?
Our Jud, he's taken t'bike.
What you gonna do, then? - Walk it.
How long d'yer think that's gonna take? - It'll not take me long.
There's a waiting list a mile long for that job. Good lads, too, most of 'em.
From up Firs Hill, round there. - I haven't let you down, have I?
Mornin'. - Mornin'. Not very promisin'.
A bit on the nippy side as well, I think. - Aye.
20 Players tipped, please. - Oh, right.
I've not got 20. Will two tens do? - Yes. That'll be quite all right, thank you.
Thank you. Right. Cheerio.
Cheerio. Good mornin', sir. - Good mornin'.
You know what they said when I took you on?
'You'll have to keep yer eyes open now. He'll take yer breath if you're not careful.'
I haven't taken owt of yours yet, have I? - I haven't given you a chance, that's why.
You don't have to. I haven't been nicking for ages now.
Ah, well, don't stand about all day. - I'm goin'.
How tha goin' on? - Not so bad.
Get one of these. Better than walkin'.
Only just. I could go faster on a kid's scooter.
Tha knows what I always say; third-class ridin's better than first-class walkin'.
Third-class ridin'? In that ramshack?
Ramshack? This is one of best models t'dairy's got. Cheeky. Sithee tomorrow.
Can only go 20 mile an hour, as it is. - Tha's got too much rattle, thee.
'Desperate Dan is stronger than all, but this opponent makes him fall.'
'- Right. Where do you want to fight? - Right here.'
'SKID.'
'Down I go again. What's making me fall?'
'Now's my chance to - jump on his chest.'
'THUD.'
'You won't catch me out this time, you braggart.'
'A sock in the midriff will settle your game.'
'SPLASH.'
'What's this on my face? Why, it's grease.'
'- Give me that tube back. - That's how he kept making me slip.'
'He was squirting invisible grease under my feet.'
'You dirty twister. It's time somebody taught you a lesson.'
'- Take that. - CRASH.'
'- Where did he end up? - In the middle of next week, Uncle Dan.'
Evenin'. - I told yer it wouldn't take me long.
What did you do? Throw 'em over the gates?
I know some short cuts ont' way back. - I'll bet you do. Over other folk's property.
How many times d'yer want tellin' where to put that bag?
Time is it? - Time you were at school.
Is it that late?
I wouldn't be your teacher for all the coal in Barnsley.
Oh, Mr Porter. Watch it, Mr Porter.
Yer clumsy young bugger. What yer tryin' to do? Kill me?
I lost me balance.
I wouldn't put it past yer, either. I fair felt me heart go then.
Just sit down here and relax a couple o' minutes.
Are yer all right now?
I'm bloody champion. - I'll be off, then.
And don't be late tonight.
Allot? - Sir.
Bowser? - Sir.
Bridges?
Absent, sir. - Absent, Bridges. Casper?
Sir. - Clegg?
Sir. - Fisher?
German Bight.
Did you say something? - I didn't mean to, sir.
Stand up, lad. What did you say?
German Bight, sir. - He's daft, sir.
Is this your ridiculous idea of a joke? - No, sir.
What is the idea, then? - When you said 'Fisher', sir.
What about it? - Fisher. German Bight.
It's the shipping forecast, sir. Fisher. German Bight. Cromarty.
I like to hear it every night, sir. I like t'names.
So you thought you'd enlighten me and the class with your idiotic information?
No, sir. - Making a mess of my register.
It just came out. - And so did you, Casper.
Just come out from under a stone.
I said, quiet.
Is anyone else absent besides Bridges and Fisher?
Any girls?
Right. Now, then, it's time you were off to assembly.
One row at a time. This one, stand.
Move forward.
Pamela, you're talking. Cut it out.
Billy, what do yer mean, Germans bite? - I'm sick of hearin' about 'Germans bite'.
Are yer comin' nestin' tomorrow? - Ar.
What time? - About six.
Don't be late.
Coming, Guth? - Where?
Nestin'. - When?
Tomorrow. - What time?
About six. - Can't. Takin't'girlfriend to Sheffield.
Excuses.
What do you want at this time in the morning?
Get your Mac up.
Hey, he's fast asleep. I can't get him up at this time.
Just get him up for me. - His father, he'll be down to yer.
I'm not bothered about his father. I want your MacDowall.
Bugger off, you little sod. - Get him up, will yer?
I'm not gettin' him up. - He said I had to get him up.
He's fast asleep and he's not goin', so just get off with yer.
Now, then. What's tha doin'? - Nowt.
Bugger off, then. It's private property.
Can I get up to that kestrel's nest? - What kestrel's nest?
Up wall. - No nest up there, so off tha goes.
There is. I've seen 'em come out.
What will tha do? Take all its eggs?
They're young 'uns. - Nowt to go up for, then, is there?
Can I come to t'bottom, then? Never seen a kestrel's nest before.
Come on, then.
There it is. That big hole.
It's nested there for donkey's years now. - And I never knew.
No, there's not many that does. - Been watchin' from t'wood there.
Goes onto t'post, then hovers,
then swoops down onto t'prey, carries it off to t'young 'uns. Looks great.
I've been gonna knock that wall down for ages.
What for? - It's dangerous. I won't let her play near.
If I lived round here, I'd train a young 'un. - Would yer?
Yer can train 'em.
Do yer know how?
Do you know? - No. There's not many that does.
They're hard to train. If they're not kept properly, it's criminal.
Do yer know anybody who's kept 'em? - One or two.
But, er, they had to let 'em go because they're hard to train.
Where can I find out about 'em, then?
Well, probably t'public library. They'll have some books on 'em.
Where's that? - Down int' city.
Hey, are you a member?
What do yer mean? - Are you a member of the library?
I don't know about that. I only want a book on falconry.
You have to be a member to take a book out.
I only want one. - Have you filled one of these forms in?
No. - You're not a member, then.
You'll have to take one of these home for your father to sign.
Me dad's away. - You can wait till he comes back home.
I don't mean that. I mean he's left home. - I see. Your mother'll have to sign it.
Ar, but she's at work and she'll not be home till tea time.
There's no rush, is there?
I've never broke a book. I haven't tore it, or...
Look at your hands. They're filthy. We'll end up with dirty books that way.
I don't ready dirty books. - I hope you don't. You're not old enough.
Me mam knows someone who works here. That'll help, won't it?
No, not at all. You still have to have the back signed.
To be a member, you'll have to have somebody over 21...
...who is on the borough electoral roll to sign it.
I'm over 21. - You're not over 21.
Ar, but I vote. - You don't vote. You're not...
I vote for me mam. She dun't like votin', so I do it.
Just have to wait for it, won't you? - Where would I find a book? In a shop?
You'd have to go down the street. There's a second-hand bookshop there.
Hello. Can I help you? - Yes.
I'm rather interested in No�l Coward's autobiography, Present Indicative.
What's tha got this for? Tha can't read. - Give us it here.
Get off. Falconry? What's tha want to know about falconry?
Give it here.
Where've yer got this from? - I've lent it.
Stole it, more like. Where've yer got it from?
A shop in town.
You must be crackers. I could understand if it were money, but chuff me, not a book.
Have it.
Look what yer've done. I'm lookin' after this book.
And what better off will yer be? - A lot. I'm gonna get a kestrel and train it.
Train it? Yer couldn't train a flea.
Anyway, where yer gonna get a kestrel from?
I know a nest. - Yer don't.
All right, then, I don't. - Where?
I'm not tellin'. - I said, where?
You're hurtin' me arm. - Where, then?
Monastery Farm.
Yer could have broke me arm then.
I'll have to see about goin' round there wi' me gun.
I'll tell t'farmer on yer. - Why? What's he got to do with it?
He protects 'em. - Protects 'em?
Hawks are a menace to farmers. They eat all the poultry an' that.
Ar, I know. They dive down onto t'cows and take 'em away.
Funny bugger. - Well, yer talk daft. They're only small.
They eat mice, insects, and little birds sometimes.
Hope I'll be watchin' a bird tonight. She'll not have feathers. Not all over, anyway.
Have you had any tea yet, Billy? - No.
Well, get some, then. You where t'pantry is.
How's yer horses gone on, Jud? - Not bad. Two winners.
You haven't. Might be gettin' tret tonight, then.
Oh, somebody treats you every night. - Shut it.
And don't you be comin' home blind drunk again, Jud.
Why? Are yer entertainin'? - You're kiddin'.
If I entertained as much as you, I shall do all right, shan't I?
What tripe you've been goin' out with lately. My God.
Better'n that cripple you bring home. - What cripple? Reg? He's not a cripple.
Will be if he comes in here tonight. At least them I go out with are not tightfisted.
Who is? You chuck your bloody money around like a Scotchman with no arms.
Have to use a spanner to get a threepenny bit out of his hand.
Aye, because he's comin' wise to you.
Listen, what about him you're goin' wi'? Tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm.
Keep yer hand over yer mouth talkin' about him, cos yer'll get into trouble.
You're not too big for a hidin'. - He can't do it.
Who can't? You might find that he's bigger than what you think.
More chance of gettin' struck by lightnin'.
Shut yer face. I'm fed up of it. It's every Saturday night. I get ready, you're at me.
And I always go out in a bloomin' mess and all upset.
Gettin' too big for yer boots, thinking you own t'house.
You don't own it yet, yer know.
No. I will do one day, though, won't I? - Over my dead body.
That's what I says, I'll own it one day. - I'm sick on it, Jud. I am, pig sick.
I work every day, and every Saturday night I go for a drink and you upset me.
I don't think I'll go, I'm that fed up. - I'll not miss yer.
You'll not miss nowt, will you? You'll be out there.
Yeah. - Aye.
By, what a smart-lookin' kid int' mirror. Some bird's gonna be lucky tonight.
Listen to God's gift to woman.
Fancy buying me a brandy and pep tonight?
Aye. Hope it keeps fine for yer.
These could have done with a bit of a polish.
Still, never mind, it's gonna be dark soon.
What you gonna do with yerself tonight, love?
Read me book.
Oh, look at t'time. Five to seven. I'm gonna be late again.
Listen, Billy, there's two bob here. Chuck?
Get yerself some pop and some crisps. D'yer hear?
Yeah.
And don't still be up when I come in. - No.
G'night, then.
? I came home unexpectedly...
...? And caught her crying needlessly...
...? In the middle of the day...
...? And it was in the early spring when flowers bloom and robins sing...
...? She went away...
...? And honey, I miss you...
...? And I'm bein' good...
...? And I'd love to be with you...
...? If only I could
Folks, thank you.
Now a Tremeloes number.
Yer can have a good time up to a point,
but there comes a time when you want to settle down.
I'm gettin' a bit fed up of workin' all t'time.
There's plenty of time to settle down, in't there?
Depends what yer lookin' for, dun't it?
I just like to come home, get me meal, get a bath, change and out, me.
Not a care int' world.
When you've been married once and yer marry a wrong 'un,
it makes yer a bit apprehensive towards gettin'...
Well, you know, don't yer? Cos he were never good.
But it makes yer a bit more wary about gettin' married again.
If she wants to go with a different bloke, it's not up to me.
She's old enough to know her own mind.
Well, yeah... - .. settle down.
You can never tell with Billy. I sit and wonder sometimes what he will do.
Perhaps if he had been brought up in a different environment...
...and had a better education, he would have made more than what he has.
At the moment, he's hopeless. He's a hopeless case, in't he?
? Oh, won't you please come back?
I'm happy as I am. I doubt if I could be any happier.
My lads have got nowt. I don't know what they're gonna do.
I don't know whether our Jud wanted to be a miner.
From my point of view, Reg, when a woman gets to my age, you've two kids,
you want to be settlin' down wi' a nice house...
...and somebody to come home to yer, and be lookin' after 'em.
Like I look after you. - Ar, but you're not married to me.
Never mind. Giz a kiss. - Don't be so damned daft.
He's had too much ale again. - I haven't.
Yer have. - I haven't.
Say, Mam, have you brought that cripple wi' yer?
Keep it shut. Keep it shut.
Keep it shut, all right?
Say, did everybody hear about him when he got married?
He got confetti on elastic. That's how tightfisted he is.
If he wants trouble, I'll give him trouble.
# Oh, along the road there lives a guy I'd like you all to know...
...# He grew a great big marrow for the little flower show...
...# He showed it to a lady who lived just along the way...
...# And when she saw the size of it he heard the lady say...
...# Ooohhh.
# What a beauty.
# Oh, I've never seen one as big as that before...
...# Ooohhh.
# What a whopper.
# It must be 18 inches long or more...
...# It's such a lovely colour, it's nice and round and fat...
...# Whoever thought a marrow could grow as big as that?
# Ooohhh.
# Oh, what a beauty...
...# I've never seen one as big as it before
Billy, are tha asleep?
Bleedin' things.
Now, Billy.
Give over. - Billy.
Help me get these bleedin' trousers off.
Come on. Don't be all bleedin' night.
I'm fed up with this bloody game.
It's every Saturday night alike.
Don't help, will tha?
Get back to sleep, yer... pig.
Hog. Sow.
Yer drunken bastard.
Tha dun't like bein' called a bastard, does tha? Yer bastard.
Yer pig.
Pig.
Hog.
Sow.
Drunken... bastard.
Bastard. Bastard.
Drunken... pig.
Pig.
Billy. Billy.
'Three good meals a day I'll give him for about a fortnight.'
'If a piece of meat held between the finger and thumb of the gloved hand...
...is offered to the hawk, it will probably bend down and pull at it with its beak.'
C'mon.
'As soon as the hawk will come a leash length indoors,
she may be tried off a fence or gatepost out of doors.'
'It is quite likely that although she was coming to the fist promptly indoors,
she will now refuse to come at all.'
'She will stand looking around her and ignoring the meat and fist in front of her.'
'When she will come a leash length outside,
she can be called greater distances by means of a creance,
a long cord which is attached to the hawk to prevent her escaping.'
'With luck, she will not attempt to fly away.'
Come on, then.
Kes. Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck.
Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck. Come on, lass.
Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck.
Come on, Kes. Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck.
Come on, then. Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck.
Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck. Come on, Kes.
Come on, boys, get ready.
Get ready now, you.
Skiving again, Guthrie.
No, sir. Mr Farthing has been talking to me.
I'll bet that was stimulating for him, wasn't it, lad?
What does that mean, sir? - The conversation. What do you think?
Does it mean 'stimulate', sir?
Stimulating, you fool. S- t-i-m-i-I-a-t-i-n-g. Stimulating.
Come on, get ready. You're two weeks late already.
You three, get down, before I come and put yer down.
Casper, what d'you think you're doing? Get down. Why aren't you changed?
I've no kit, sir. - Casper, you make me sick.
Every lesson it's the same old story, 'Please, sir, I've no kit, sir.'
Every lesson for four years, you've begged, borrowed, skived and scrounged.
Why is it, Casper, when all this lot can provide kit, you can't?
Don't know. Me mam says it's a waste of money now I'm leavin'.
You haven't been leaving the past four years, have you?
No, sir.
Use your spending money. - Don't like football, sir.
What's that got to do with it, Casper? - Don't know.
Anyway, I don't get enough. - Get a job, then, lad. Get a job.
I've got one, sir. - They pay you, don't they?
Yeah, but I have to give it to me mam. I'm payin' me fines, like...
You should keep out of trouble, lad. Keep out of trouble.
I haven't bin in trouble since last time. - I'll get you some kit, Casper.
Tha's had it now, Casper. - Shut thi mouth.
Right, Casper. Get into those.
They'll not fit me. - You can get into them, can't you?
Yes, sir.
They'll keep your cobblers warm, Casper.
Take your vest and underpants off. - Don't wear 'em, sir.
Casper, tuck 'em in. Thi privates are showin'.
The muscleman o't'year.
He's just come back from Biafra. - Pull them up, Casper.
Pull them up. - Like that, sir?
Pull them down, Casper.
You're too daft to laugh at.
Right. They'll do there.
You lot, come on, get changed. Wasted enough time already.
I'll give you a sample of my footballing skills.
A rare delight.
Watch yourself, Casper.
I won't tell you again, Crossland.
Come on, move.
Off that goal post.
I'll be up there in a minute.
Come here, Tibbut. We'll pick two teams. You're the captain.
Right, line up on the halfway line, quickly.
I'll have first pick. Paget. - That's not fair. You'll get t'best players.
D'you wanna play football, or d'you wanna do some maths?
Paget, then. Come here.
Speed. - Walker.
Clark. - Crossland.
Kelsey. - Rowe.
Er... Clegg.
Bloody hell, I'm frozen already.
Joyce. - Birkinshaw.
Ryder. - Parker.
Norton. - Come on, Parker.
Casper, I've got to have yer. Come on.
Don't act the goat. Come on, put 'em round your waist.
Now.
Right, we'll play with the wind, downhill, this way.
Paget, you're inside right. Come on.
Who are you today, sir? Liverpool? - Don't you know your club colours?
Manchester United, this. - Are you playing Denis Law, striker?
No. Charlton today, lad. All over the field. Too cold for striker.
Charlton's not as quick ont' turn as Law, is he?
You tryin' to tell me about football? - No. I...
You trying to tell me? Anyway, Denis Law's in the wash this week.
Nobody's in goal, sir. - No goalie, sir.
Who's in the goals? - Casper.
Casper, what position are you playing? - Don't know, sir. Inside left?
How can you be inside left back there, idiot? In the goals.
I can't... - Now's your chance to learn. In the goals.
Quick about it.
We're Manchester United. Who are you? - Spurs, then there's no clash of colours.
Right, then, it's Manchester United versus Spurs in this cup tie here at Old Trafford.
And it's the fair-haired, slightly balding Charlton to kick off.
Come on, Speed. What you playin' at, lad?
Yer should be on the move, lad. It was at yer feet.
Cross it, Ryder. Quickly.
Where's t'rest of my team?
Come on, quickly, Casper. I've never seen such slack work in my life.
What's that for, sir? - Slack work, lad. Slack work.
Hit that ball up the field, Parker.
I have to keep this shirt on after.
Cross the ball.
And Charlton goes through, and...
Oh, never. Never.
Penalty. - Never.
Who do you think you are? Bremner?
Penalty. - No, it weren't, sir.
Outside that semicircle.
Shall I take it, sir? - I take the penalties on this team.
No one moves till this ball's kicked.
Just watch this, Guthrie. Right, Clegg?
You moved. You moved. Put it back.
Penalty.
Behind the 18-yard line.
Tha better save it, Cleggy. Else I'll drop tha.
He moved. - I didn't move, sir.
The referee's decision is final.
You should have done it the first time. - And that, boys, is how to take a penalty.
Look one way and kick the other.
Come on, Tibbut, lad.
And Bobby Charlton has equalised for Manchester United,
and the score is one goal each.
That fat twat. He wants bleedin' milkin'. That big fat git.
What did you say? What did you say?
Nowt, sir. - Get off. In that changin' room. Get off.
I didn't say nowt, sir. - Off.
I won't tolerate that on a football pitch. - That's our captain, sir.
I don't care who he is. You play this game like gentlemen.
Right inside.
An early bath for you, lad.
I'll bounce the ball up. - It's not fair. They never get sent off.
I shall be up there in a minute. - They never get sent off, sir.
Off.
What d'you think you two are doing?
What are you doing? - Practising, sir.
Show me what you're doing.
Casper.
Casper, what do you think you are, lad? An ape?
All he needs now is a banana. - Get down. I'll make you red hot.
Thank you. Now, for my next trick...
I'll show you a trick. Get back in that goal.
What's up? - That hurt. That ball, it's hard as iron.
Ar, I know. It's like a stone, innit?
I'm bloody freezin'. - My feet are like blocks o' ice.
Me knees, look at 'em. They're goin' pale.
Look at t'colour. It's gone white.
Oh, I wish I'd brought a note.
Great goal, that, sir. - I'll give yer 'great goal', lad.
Spurs into the sixth round of t'Cup. - Sixth round? I'll give you six of the best.
Lost again, sir? - Fetch my tracksuit.
Better luck next time. - Disgusting.
In a hurry, Casper? - I have to get home, sir.
Really? - Yes, sir.
Forgotten something? - No, sir.
Are you sure? - Yes, sir.
What about the showers? - I've had one, sir.
You can ask any of 'em, sir. - I'll just do that.
Have you seen him have a shower? - No, sir.
Have you? - No, sir.
Have you seen him have a shower? - Who, sir?
Casper. - When, sir?
Just now. Has he had a shower? - Had a shower, sir?
Has Casper had a shower?
What you fooling about at, lad? Has Casper had a shower?
I don't think so, sir. - Speed, you'll get what Casper just had.
No one's seen you have a shower, Casper. Cos you haven't had one.
Me mam says I ain't to have a shower. - Come here. What's your mother say?
I ain't to have a shower, sir. I've got a cold.
Where's your note, then? - Can I bring it this afternoon, sir?
That's no good, lad. I want one now.
Any boy wishing to be excused physical education, or showers,
must, at the time of the lesson, produce a sealed letter of explanation...
...signed by one of his parents or his legal guardian.
Go on, sir, let me go home. - You can go, lad.
Hey, come here. When you've had a shower.
I haven't a towel, sir. - Borrow one.
Nobody'll lend me one. - Have a drip-dry, then. Shower, come on.
MacDowall. - Sir?
Come here, lad.
Come here. What's this?
Our dog did it, sir.
Your dog did it? - Aye.
It bit me while I were fightin' it last night.
A dog wearing nylons, lads.
Bloody heck.
Still in a hurry? - Can I go now, sir?
Have a proper wash. - I've had one, sir.
In the shower, lad. In the shower. - I've got to get home.
In the shower.
Ryder, Speed, come here.
Yes, you two. Come on.
Stay here and see that he doesn't come out.
Do what, sir? - I said, stay there.
See that he doesn't come out.
Agh. Sir. It's gone cold.
Got a sweat on, Casper? I thought you might need a cooler after your exertions.
It's not right, sir. I'll catch me death of cold in here. It's not right.